This morning I wrote in my journal : “Today, Emmy went to preschool.”

Except she did not go to preschool, she went to Kindergarten. Maybe this was my subconscious not wanting to admit she is gone. The years have gone so fast- faster than I could’ve ever imagined they would. So many new beginnings. Jayde entering into high school, Aubree middle school, Brielle 4th and Emmy- Kindergarten. Me- a question mark.

The morning was full of chaos, excitement and hair. Lots of girls’ hair to do. With different drop offs and not much time in-between, my focus was on getting the girls to school on time. I was successful. Yay me. I drove home and opened the front door with no pitter patter of little feet behind me for the first time in 14 years. I got ready with zero interruptions, cleaned up breakfast dishes and now I’m sitting here in silence. No cartoons blasting on the tv, no toys strewn about or colors scattered on the dining table. No goldfish crackers in a plastic bowl. I am alone.

I’ve been looking forward to this day but also dreading it, if I’m honest. My sweet babies, who aren’t babies anymore, are growing up and time seems to slip out the door with them. People ask me what I’m going to do now? And the answer is, I have no clue. My days have always revolved around little brown- haired girls; it’s hard for me to remember life before them. And now they are gone. A new chapter in life- the end of one, the pages wrote in permanent ink. I feel a little excited, anxious and scared for the future.

Even though I still feel 20 something, the truth is I am nearing 40. Part of me feels like I should know what I’m going to do with my life in this next chapter, but I truly don’t. I want to do what I’ve always done, what is comfortable and known, but that isn’t possible with my last baby gone.

I know I will figure it out eventually and a new norm will take place. I pray for God’s guidance and for Him to direct my steps. I do know I want to continue to be the best mom I can be for my girls and be there for them anytime they need me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll write for a magazine, design people’s homes, work at the school, or find something else to fill my time. It’s not unknown to me that it’s a luxury to not HAVE to go get a full time job and that options are a blessing.

So here is to the rest of 2024, to the chapters gone, to the ones before me, waiting to be written. To the end of an era, an era where I found myself, loved more than I thought possible and was taught many lessons along the way.

The title of “stay at home mom” has been an honor, not something I feel shame for anymore.