Forty Years
Tomorrow I will be 40 years old. I sit cross legged on my bed, in pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt, a breathing treatment machine lying next to me because I’ve been sick all week. NOT the way I desired to spend the last few days leading up to my birthday. With that being said, because I’ve been lying in bed and don’t have the energy to do much else, it allowed me the time to think about the last decade of my life, flip through pages of my old journals that I had hidden away and laugh, cry and shake my head at the many pages I skimmed. For some reason, tomorrow doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to me. I’m not sad to be turning 40, nor that excited. It’s another year, another birthday, and I still think and see myself as a 20 something year old. A 20 something year old who goes to bed a lot earlier, gets sore a lot easier and worries about things like hormones, cholesterol, where the nearest shipment of NEE-DOH’s are located, and her teen daughters. As I skimmed through my paper journals, I jotted down some thoughts that came to mind. I don’t even know what to call this – I guess a compilation of thoughts, spiritual awakenings, wisdom & things I’ve learned in the last 3,649 days.
Compilations
I used to be really hard on myself. Perfection was the goal. A goal I never reached which caused a lot of inner turmoil, insecurity, shame & frustration. What a silly goose I was – thinking I could reach perfection in all I did and thought. I’m human, I will never be perfect and God doesn’t expect me to be. Reading through my old journals, I had forgotten the incessant way I obsessed about the tiniest things. I feel sorry for that poor girl who put so much pressure on herself. I am happy to say, as the years have gone on, that girl has given herself MUCH more grace. Not everything is all serious all the time. I’ve learned to laugh at myself, forgive myself and move on from mistakes, forgetfulness and whatnot.
What you look for, you find.
A realization I had in my 30’s was that pretty much my whole life, I had struggled with anxiety but because that had been my experience since I can remember, I didn’t know there was a different way to live. I look back on my life and realize it was always there, whether a little bit or a lot. At a certain point in time in my 30’s it demanded to be heard, to be recognized and to be dealt with. A really hard time for me personally but I am also grateful because I was able to get help and now am able to enjoy my life so much more. I’m still me, just a less anxious me who is able to breathe a little deeper and laugh a little more.
Jesus is everything. The Holy Spirit resides in me. I feel Him. I am better because of Him. Jesus has changed me so much and I can’t wait to see how He continues to do so. He wants me to enjoy my days. I used to think being a Christian meant to, “suffer, suffer, suffer”. Being a Christian doesn’t mean we wont suffer, God actually promises us we will but He doesn’t get delight from our struggles. I used to be SO serious about everything. That didn’t make me a better Christian.
I try to not put my self-worth in others’ hands. I say “try” because being human, we all desire to be loved, accepted and included. And if we don’t feel that from others, it is normal for us to feel sad. We live on Earth where brokenness reigns and I would say most of us feel “less than” at times. But in the last decade, God has helped me to love myself, regardless of how others treat me. I went through some hard times but I can look back and be thankful for those times because where I was weak Jesus was strong and I am now better & stronger for it.
I like who I am. I enjoy my company. I laugh at my own jokes. I think I’m witty. I love to dance. I still find a game of beer pong thrilling.
Not everyone will like you. I make it a point to tell my girls this because guess what, it’s the truth! And it’s ok.
Most people are worried about themselves, their focus is not on you.
MOTHERHOOD. WOW. The last decade of motherhood has been wild. One word: HUMBLED. I always prided myself on being a good mom and if I’m honest, tied my worth into that title. My girls were great; there-fore I was great! Until they weren’t great. Then I wasn’t great. Then things went downhill fast. I have learned SO much about being a mom. One of the biggest things: too much control doesn’t equal love. In really hard, trying times, I dealt with things I never thought I’d have to deal with as a mom. It made me feel like a failure, like I was doing something wrong. So I tried to fix it all. I grasped for control. Anything I could control, I did. I took ownership of all the feelings, struggles, sadness, worry. I created lots of rules, I stayed on top of EVERYTHING. I thought I was helping but I was not. I SUFFOCATED. My desire for my girls to be ok, so I could be ok, was a losing battle. A battle I never won. Until I learned, I couldn’t control them, their feelings, emotions, or choices. I had to LET GO in order for growth- in them and myself. Literally, one of the hardest things I’ve been through in my life BUT also SO much wisdom gained. Thank you God.
It’s not my girls’ duty to give me the experience I desire.
My worth comes from Jesus. This world will tell you it’s from your looks, your bank account, your job, your kids’ successes, your social status, your athletic ability, etc. My worth comes from Him and His love for me.
Judgy people are typically insecure.
When you do anything of meaning, it can and will be judged. Let them.
“You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink.” A fitting quote for this time in my life. I think the real struggle is knowing when to keep fighting for your loved ones who can’t/wont fight for themselves and when it’s time to accept their fate and move on.
Not everyone deserves my time/friendship. Boundaries are ok and are important. I get to choose who I’m friends with.
Throughout my journal posts, I questioned Berry Berry Quite Contrary. Often. I had times I wanted to give up and stop sharing. I pleaded with God to show me what to do with it. I was confused and lost and frustrated often. At the end of last year, I was given the opportunity to rent out a little space at Eleven West and sell my creations. I went for it. A dream of mine has been to always own my own shop. This is the absolute PERFECT set up for me. It’s been a whirlwind and not without it’s struggles and questions. But eight months later, it brings me so much joy and I am SO thankful for the ability to do it. It’s not lost on me that this was a gift from God; an answer to prayers. His timing is perfect. So many times I worry and stew and fret over things I want to control, problems I want the answer to. I’m continuing to learn to trust and rely on God.
After God, my marriage is and should be my #1 priority in life. When my marriage is struggling, my whole life seems to follow. As I move into my 40’s I am so thankful for Matt; my best friend. My relationship with him should be a high priority.
As I age; I am learning that things change, people change, as do traditions. I can tend to hold on to old traditions, never wanting them to end. Nostalgia is a favorite feeling. Here is to treasuring the moments from past traditions and being open, willing and excited to create new ones.
I can say I genuinely like the woman I look at when I look in the mirror and it hasn’t always been that way. All the hard things I’ve been through in my 30’s have allowed me to gain so much more wisdom. I am stronger. Wiser. Better. More confident. Less afraid. I feel so grateful for my life, even when I’m sick in bed. Here’s to my 40’s. I lift my Stanley cup of electrolyte water & cheers to the next decade.
xoxo,
Kayla