Berry Berry Quite Contrary

The last droplet of milk will fall on this chair. The last swaddle. The last song.

Hours upon hours were spent rocking, praying, crying, smiling and laughing.

The months have drifted by like the seasons; anxiously awaiting for the new things of the next but also sorry to see it all pass.

The sleepless nights, the aches and pains, the struggles of it all are a distant memory. And all I remember when I look in your bright, blue eyes are your tiny fingers and tiny toes, your sweet scent, your tiny body wrapped up in your blue blanket and the innocence of your being.

You take your first step and you smile and clap. I clap and smile with you and tears drop onto my face because I know something you don’t. This is the last first steps. There will be no other.

There will be no more first “mama” and “dada” uttered from a little mouth. No more bottles warmed up in the wee hours of the night. No more car seats carried to and fro. No more droplets of milk will fall.

You cling to me and I cling to you. The scent of baby lotion lingers on your skin and I vow to always remember the smell. I look down at your sweet face, chubby cheeks, long eyelashes, creamy skin and smile. What a gift you are.

You are the last, sweet baby.  The end of an era. An era full of firsts. Full of struggles, hardships, stress, pains, questions, worry, tears and breakdowns. But also full of a love I didn’t know existed. Of wisdom. Growth. A leadership pulled out of me that I didn’t know I had in me. Laughter. Joy. First steps, words, teeth, bubble baths, dance recitals, soccer games, math tests. So many firsts, too many to count.

Yes, the end of an era. And what a grand era it was.

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“I realize I’ve bought into the lie- that if you think I’m nice, maybe you don’t think I’m smart or strong. Sometimes nice doesn’t feel like enough. Nice feels like a pushover, a doormat, the one you can’t take too seriously. The nice one is the shy one standing in the corner.”

“Nice is powerful. If you’re one of the nice ones don’t eclipse your light by believing nice isn’t enough or pining away for a personality other than the one God gave you. Be who God created you to be.” Author Unknown

I wrote this down in my journal years ago because it spoke to my soul. It was an “aha” moment for me. In my life I have been called “nice” SO much. You would think I would’ve taken this as a compliment every time I heard it but honestly it used to bother me and I really didn’t know why. But I read this passage out of some book that I can’t remember the title of now and I was like wow, this author just put into words what I’ve been feeling for years and years but couldn’t quite put into words myself.

For some reason, at the time, I equated nice with being boring. Naive. Pushed aside. Weak. Walked all over. Dull. Uninteresting. Left out. Why? Because I believe this is what our world tells us at times, if not most of the time.

 But since then, I found truth……

I can be nice and strong. Nice and smart. Nice and interesting. Nice and wise. Nice and fearless. Nice and exciting. Nice and bold. Nice and powerful. Nice and confident.

If you’re a fellow labeled “nice” girl I pray you would read these words and embrace who you are and not try to be somebody you’re not. Nice is a compliment. Nice is powerful and beautiful.

Don’t mistake my niceness for weakness; it’s far from.

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Happy 2020!!!! I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s Eve! We rang in the New Years at home, in our pjs, with some Sparkling Apple-Mango juice because the traditional Sparkling Grape juice we usually get was all sold out. We had the noisy maker things, the sparkly “Happy New Year” headbands and take-out. It was a pretty great evening. I was the only one who made it to mid-night, not surprisingly. But all the girls slept in this morning which like never happens so I still got plenty of sleep!

I am a resolution maker person. I think it’s important to take some time and reflect on life. The end of a year and the beginning of a new one allows one to do that. I wanted to compile all of my thoughts into one place today and thought I’d share them all with you.

I like to focus on a word or two for the year and a bible verse. My word for 2019 was “trust”. My bible verse was Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and he will show you which path to take.” I really wanted to focus on trusting God in every area of my life. 2019 had it’s ups and downs as most years do. Bringing Emersyn into this world was by far the BEST part of 2019. She has been such a joy and has completed our little family.

2019 had it’s fair share of downs though as well. Not trying to be negative but just real. 2019 was not my best year. There were hard, discouraging times in multiple areas of my life, both mentally and physically. When I really started to reflect on the year, 2019, I felt in some ways I took a few steps backwards. I felt like the progress I thought I had made in certain areas all came crashing down on me and what I thought was true, really wasn’t. But after more time reflecting, I can honestly say the hard things of 2019…. I am happy they happened because things that needed to be changed, wouldn’t of been changed, unless those hard things took place. I wish I could say I trusted God through it all but I didn’t. I tried. Really hard. But I didn’t always trust. I took matters into my own hands too many times to count. But I did grow. I did trust HIM more than what I did in years prior so there was success.

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I am so excited for 2020 and all the possibilities that it holds! I have two words for this year: Intentionality and Discipline. Being intentional in my relationships, my health, my time and my finances. And being disciplined enough to follow through in these areas. I always have good intentions but more often than not life just kind of takes over and I can just kind of throw my hands up in the air and say, “whatever, it’s not worth it, I give up”. That’s where discipline comes in. My goal is to not let life take over my life. 

My bible verse for the year: Ephesians 5:15-17 “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.” 

I’m going to share some of my goals with you all. I have lots more but they are a lot more personal. I think writing out your goals is a really important step in making goals. Having them wrote down solidifies them instead of them just floating around in your head.

1. Rise early before the girls- Quiet time with God- continue to grow and pursue Him
2. Less time on technology (I have made “rules” for myself in this area)
3. Health- This is a BIG one for me. I’ve been more sick in the last 6 months than I ever have been and I’m just fed up with it! This year I am going to focus on taking better care of myself. Eat healthier, less eating out, lose the rest of the baby weight (Emersyn is almost 1 so I can’t use that as an excuse anymore….darnit…), use Fitness Pal (an awesome app that has helped me lose weight in the past), workout 2-3x a week, go to bed earlier, take my vitamins (hate swallowing pills so I don’t always do a good job of this), get more sleep, and I’m going to start lifting weights.
4. Simplify. Get rid of stuff. Things I don’t love, things we don’t use. Donate.

My hope is that some of this will help you in making resolutions for yourself. If you haven’t yet, take some time and reflect on your year, write down some goals, choose a bible verse to remember and focus on throughout your year. I have my verse taped inside my bathroom cabinet so I see it everyday.

I really do hope this year brings you all the good things. I hope you love and laugh more, I hope you go on adventures, step out of your comfort zone, grow closer to God, take a risk or two, grow more comfortable in your skin, gain a good quality friend, chase your dreams and give yourself and the people around you more grace.

I’m so thankful if you took time to come on over today and read my post. Thanks for stopping by!