Can I be real with you all? Not a carefully crafted real that a lot of times I portray, but a messy, flustered, reeling kind of real? A real that brings tears to my eyes and a heavy sigh in my body. A real that is trying really, really hard to find the joy. A real that peers around at other women, particularly moms, and compares and wonders what is wrong with the girl staring back at herself in the rearview mirror. Of course this girl is in the car, because she technically is a chauffeur, just without the suit and paycheck.
A real that does what she should. She loves God and spends regular time with him. She loves her family and serves them daily. She has family and friends whom she loves. She exercises. Reads her bible. Eats somewhat healthy. Drinks plenty of water, with added electrolytes and minerals I might add. She does the laundry and folds it neatly in piles. She grooms her dogs, pays the bills and volunteers at school parties. She gets at least 7 hours of sleep a night. She diffuses oils and plays memory with her 4 year old on the living room floor. She watercolor paints. She cooks homemade meals but on busy nights is ok with fast food. She journals. She doesn’t give up easy. She is better than she used to be. Not as hard on herself for sure. She reads her girls books at night and tucks them in. She goes to all the activities she can. She takes time for self-care. She doesn’t care as much of others’ opinions of her like she once did. Her unhealthy people pleasing days are somewhat, kind of behind her. God has changed her for the better; she is a completely different person because of Him and His love.
She reads self-help books on a consistent basis. Does puzzles in her free time. Doesn’t watch too much tv. And most days she is joyful. Most days she is happy. Most days she finds fulfillment and purpose in her life.
Until she doesn’t.
Until life seems to steal the breath out of her lungs and she’s left wondering where things went wrong. And the thing that really disturbs this chauffeur, non-suited girl is she has really nothing to be upset about. Nothing to complain about compared to other women she knows. Her life is great. Her and her family are healthy. There is money in the bank, food on the table and people surrounding her who love her. No tragedy has taken place. No car accident. No hospital stays. No divorce. No loss of jobs. Her chauffeuring business is still going strong.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s this: we all are NOT OK sometimes. And it’s ok. There are going to be days that are 10 days with joy and sunshine and laughter, and there’s going to be 5 and 6 days, along with 1 and 2. One week may be a 4, the next an 8. Life is not some mathematical problem: ” 1 + 2 = Joy.” Life is more like algebra, which I simply don’t understand.
So, the next time you see some perfectly edited pictures on social media of families similar to yours and you catch yourself comparing. Or a smile plastered on an impeccably dressed woman (who of course has the taaz uggs on). (Confession- I did ask for these for Christmas. I would like to have my feet be impeccably dressed as well.) And you look down at your worn tennis shoes and sigh. Or, while you feel like you can’t keep up with the 2 activities your kids are in but then see a woman whose kids are in 17 activities, works a full-time job outside of the home, volunteer to bring 5 dozen homemade cookies for the church Christmas play she organized – Give yourself a break. Quit comparing. Take a breath. We all are not ok sometimes, don’t compare someone’s hard to yours. This week may be a 2 or a 3 but next week could be a 9 or a 10. We can do everything right but life is not always going to be easy. Life is like algebra. And watercolor painting.
Messy but beautiful.
Hard but worth it. (Well, I don’t know if algebra is worth it… but you get my point.)
xoxo
Kayla
