Hello! It’s been quite some time since I’ve updated you all on my happiness project. To see my original post you can go here. This month my focus is on my marriage. So, obviously this is a pretty personal subject, marriage that is. Marriage is hard. Period. Those people who tell you it shouldn’t be all that hard and if you have to constantly work at it then something is wrong with your marriage are WRONG. Marriage is work, a constant one. Marriage is more about choices than feelings. And I would argue that about 99% of marriages all go through hard times at one point or another.
I’ve found in my life that when my marriage isn’t in a good place that the rest of my life seems to follow suit. At the core of happiness is relationships. I believe that if your core relationships are not in a good place, it’s really hard to find joy even if everything else is how and where you want it to be. My marriage is tied directly to my happiness.
Five Love Languages
If you haven’t read the book, “The 5 Love Languages“, then I suggest you do!
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
I know Matt’s top 2 love languages and my goal this month is to focus on these 2 things more than what I’ve done in the past. Have I done an ok job? Yes. A great job? No.
Nagging/Tone of Voice
I hate to admit that I nag sometimes but let’s be real… I totally do. And my tone of voice isn’t always all that nice as well. In the last few weeks I’ve realized that my tone of voice comes across not very nice sometimes, even though I’m not intending it to be that way (there are times where I definitely intend it to be). I believe some of it is just simply from habit (hate to admit that as well) and the fact that I’m usually in a hurry. As a mom of 4, I typically have multiple things going on all at once and so I bark off orders and most the time don’t really pay attention to my tone of my voice. ‘Lets just get this done’ is what is going through my mind as I’m thinking about the other 17 things that need done as well. I have made a conscious effort to watch my tone of voice this month.
Don’t Expect Praise or Appreciation
This one is a doozy for me. If I go out of my way to do something nice for someone then I really do like them to show appreciation. I mean, who doesn’t?! Everyone likes to feel appreciated. And as a stay at home mom, it’s kind of a double whammy. No boss is telling me I’m doing a great job at work, no one is giving me a pay raise because I kept up on the laundry all month and my girls aren’t giving me gold stars when I do an exceptional job at making their peanut butter and jelly. When I’ve had an extra long day and spend an hour and a half making a homemade meal, in-between being interrupted 589 times by the girls, get their plates ready, get everyone sat down and finally plop down in my dinner chair exhausted and Matt walks in 15 minutes late and doesn’t seem that appreciative of the meal I made. Inside, I get a little ticked. When I don’t feel appreciated then I start to get resentful. And being resentful never does anyone any good. I’m really trying to focus on my heart and “my why” for serving my family and not always expecting a pat on the back for everything I do.
Matthew 6:1 “Be careful not to perform your righteous acts before men to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”
Build Up
After being married to someone for over a decade, it’s easy to focus on the things they do that annoy you. Anyone you live with for that long, is going to do something that annoys you; I don’t care who they are! Too many times, I can focus on the bad instead of the good. I can focus on what needs improvement and not see the amazing progress that has been made in other areas. What you focus on is your reality and if you are always focusing on the bad, bad is what you will get. In marriage, it can be easy to focus on all the negative attributes of the person you are married to. But tearing someone down, never does anyone any good. Last week, God helped me see how encouraging someone is ALWAYS the answer over focusing on what they did wrong. Celebrating and focusing on the good things is always a better motivator than reprimanding someone for the things they did wrong.
Date Night
So this is an area Matt and I really need to work on. We don’t live by family so finding babysitters sometimes is a struggle. Also, just finding the time to go out on a date is a struggle. Between activities and sickness and work, there isn’t a whole lot of time left at the end of the day. But I know dating your spouse is important. Lucky for Matt and I, we have a lot of common interests: golf, tennis, basketball, eating :), etc. We always enjoy spending time together, it’s just making the time to do it. We have gone on 1 date this month so far and I am determined to make it 2 by the end of the month.
Overall Takeaway
All in all, I think my main take away this month has been that being kind is really the key. Why is it that we tend to treat those closest to us the worst? They get to see us at our worst and our best, our low and high times. I do feel like our marriage has improved this month because of me just simply being aware of what I need to work on. Focusing on my tone of voice, showing Matt I love him in the way he wants to be shown, and not always expecting a thanks in return has been a positive thing. Also, instead of focusing on what he needs to change and do differently, I have turned the focus around to myself. What do I need to do differently? What do I need to work on?
I am in no way perfect when it comes to marriage and I have so many faults. Our marriage isn’t magically amazing now that I am doing these things but I have seen improvement and our home feels lighter and honestly…….happier. 🙂
