Tears dripped down my face as I turned another page. I banged my fists against the sheets and put the book down on my lap- “Why God? Why do you take good people but leave bad? Why would you allow people to have hope when you know their loved one will soon be leaving them? Why do you say, “Ask and you will receive”, when that’s really not the case?” A chill ran through me; I wiped my tears as I got up to shut my window.

“I’ve Seen the End of You”, is a book that I’m smack dab in the middle of. “A Neurosurgeon’s Look at Faith, Doubt and the Things We Think We Know.” This book has made me question and doubt and empathize with those who go through things I can’t even imagine. I’m only halfway through but the book has already affected me more than most.

As a Christian I am not supposed to doubt- but I do. This morning as I sat at my dining room table, an overcast sky out my window, I grappled with these thoughts, questions and feelings this book is bringing out in me. I jotted down in my journal questions and accusations to God.

“Why do you tell us to pray when your mind is already made up? Why do you tell us to hope when you know our loved one will die of cancer and you aren’t going to save them? Why are some lucky and others not? Some are born into royalty and love – others into abuse and hate. Sometimes I question your goodness- how you could allow terrible things to happen to those who are good? Do you really care? When you take away a dad who loves his wife and kids but leave the rapist on the street – it makes NO SENSE.”

Before I angrily wrote down these thoughts and questions, I had read my devotional titled, ” The Invitation of Brokenness.” With each devotional there is a bible verse- Isaiah 57:15 was the verse: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit.”

I decided to open my bible and look more into this verse. I flipped through my bible and glanced at a highlighted section before turning the page to find the verse from my devotional and this is what I read:

Isaiah 57:1 – “Good people pass away, the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace whey they die.”

The NIV translation – “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter to peace; they find rest as they lie in death.”

It’s not everyday that I question God, flip open my bible and there lies the highlighted answer before my eyes- but today- that was the case. These passages remind me that God is a good God. He wants no suffering or evil or pain. We wont ever understand. Why the kind neighbor down the street is stricken with a brain tumor and why the prisoner sits in his cell with a strong, healthy brain.

But I don’t believe in coincidences when it comes to God. I KNOW I turned to this page for a reason. Over 2000 pages and I flipped to that highlighted paragraph after I questioned why good people are taken in my journal not 2 minutes before.

Thank you God for your word. For heaven. For hope. Even if I don’t have all the answers- I know you are good.